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Another Australia Day has come and gone.
Do you remember when Australia Day was a public holiday? A day on which Australians sat around enjoying themselves, perhaps having a barbie with friends, perhaps just extending a long weekend?
That was when Australia was a great place to live -- and we all knew it.
Now, we're not so sure...
Is it un-Australian to just be Australian?
Is Australia still "the lucky country"? Have we finally understood that the reference to Australia as "the lucky country" was sarcasm? For years, we -- the uneducated masses -- really believed that we did live in the lucky country...
We believed it, because it matched our own enjoyment of all that made Australia lucky.
Now, thank goodness, we realise that Australia is really a miserable place to live.
So, once a year, every Australia Day, we have to be reminded to stand around in huge crowds and shout, Australia is sort of okay as long as you're rich and employed and part of the mob mentality which believes that we all have to be seen being happy before we can be truly happy!
It's no longer enough to just be Australian, just to be happy to be Australian, just to be quietly proud to be Australian.
Now -- we are told -- the only acceptable measure of pride in Australia is if we look good to other people.
It's no use being happy. It's no use living in a country which other people would really like to live in. It's no use just being Australian.
We have to show the world just how Australian we are. We have prove ourselves to be Australian. We have to measure ourselves by standards that other countries have set as their own standards of "greatness".
In a pig's arse!
Forty years ago, Australia had a national anthem. It was also the national anthem of another country. So we decided to change our anthem.
Australians all let us rejoice, dee dum dee dum dum dee...
Forty years ago, Australians could go anywhere in the world, say that they were Australian -- and the locals would know "the Australian national song". That song was Waltzing Matilda.
Waltzing Matilda was known -- around the world -- as the Australian song. Around the world, if anyone wanted to welcome an Australian with a song, they knew that the song had to be Waltzing Matilda. And plenty of those people could sing it about as well as most Australians.
So, did we select Waltzing Matilda to be our new national anthem?
No way! It's too childish!
So we're stuck with a national anthem which no-one else knows. An anthem with words which even Australians tend to forget. An anthem which is as stirring and as universally meaningless as any anthem anywhere in the world.
Except for that word "girt" -- which gets a good laugh anywhere in the world.
So what's next?
Next, we have to set a new date for Australia Day. But why?
Well, Australia Day is no longer just a day on which we sit round and enjoy ourselves by being Australian.
Who do you want to upset?
Australia Day is now a day on which we shout in each other's faces -- and in the faces of the world: We're Australian and we're bloody proud of it if that's all right with you please...
So Australia Day has significance. We would also like it to have gravitas. Because some people like the reflected glory of belonging to a country which is not just a great place to live, but which looks good in the eyes of all their friends who live overseas.
To some, January 26th is Invasion Day.
Perhaps we should try February 13th, as Apology Day. No, that's Nothing Really Changed Day.
Maybe the next day and we could all give each other chocolates and Secret Australian of the Year cards?
What about a day in October? We're short on public holidays in the second half of the year.
Not November... We don't want to interfere with Melbourne Cup Day. Even though not every state has a holiday that day.
December 1, when the Eureka Stockade was erected? Or December 3, when a dozen stockaders were killed? Or are those dates too close to Christmas...
It's all a bit hard, isn't it!
At last, a prize-winning answer:
Let's have a lottery!On Australia Day 2012 -- January 26th -- draw a date out of a hat. That date will be Australia Day 2013. On Australia Day 2013, draw a date out of a hat -- and that date will be Australia Day 2014...
We can all stand round in a mob, to prove how Australian we are. And the actual date -- being a random selection -- will not offend anyone!
Oh, and I'd like to place two bob on January 26th, for Australia Day 2013.
And another two bob on, No change, it's just too hard.
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